Darren McFadden-isms

The Arkansas Razorback football program is on a roll. After a pretty rough start against Southern Cal, Arkansas has moved on to an impressive 9-1 record with reasonable expectations of two more SEC West conference wins. Maybe not national title stuff considering the major contenders out there, but it's good enough for us.

Riding on this season's high is talk of running back Darren McFadden's potential Heisman candidacy. Whether he makes the final rounds is not so important to us: he's still ours as are they all. But after Saturday's decisive win against Tennessee and McFadden's exceptional performance, I share with you some -isms (author unknown) for those die-hard Darren McFadden fans.

• Darren McFadden's calendar goes straight from March 31 to April 2; no one fools Darren McFadden
• Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Darren McFadden can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants
• Darren McFadden counted to infinity - twice
• Darren McFadden's tears cure cancer. Too bad Darren McFadden has never cried
• Darren McFadden was originally cast as the main character in the hit TV show "24" but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes, 37 seconds
• Darren McFadden can speak braille
• Darren McFadden died 10 years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get the courage to tell him
• Superman owns a pair of Darren McFadden pajamas
• Darren McFadden puts the "laughter" in "slaughter"
• Darren McFadden does not sleep; he waits
• Darren McFadden owns the greatest poker face of all time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite holding only a joker, a "Get of out jail free" Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades, and a green #4 card from the game Uno
• Darren McFadden can slam revolving doors
• Darren McFadden sleeps with a night light not because Darren McFadden is afraid of the dark but because the dark is afraid of Darren McFadden
• Once a cobra bit Darren McFadden. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the cobra died
• Before the Boogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet and under his bed for Darren McFadden
• Giraffes were created when Darren McFadden uppercut a horse
• When Darren McFadden exercises, the machine gets stronger
• Ghosts are actually caused by Darren McFadden killing people faster than Death can process them
• Darren McFadden is the only person on the planet who can kick you in the back of the face
• Darren McFadden does not use pick up lines; he says "now"
• Darren McFadden plays Russian Roulette with a fully loaded revolver ... and wins
• Darren McFadden once punched a man in the soul
• If you can see Darren McFadden, he can see you. If you cannot see Darren McFadden, you may be only seconds away from death
• Darren McFadden did that to Michael Jackson's face
• The chief export of Darren McFadden is pain
• A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped drivers. It is actually a warning that the spot belongs to Darren McFadden and that you will be handicapped if you park there
• Darren McFadden was once the FBI's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Darren McFadden"
• The most honorable way to die is to take a bullet for Darren McFadden. This amuses Darren McFadden because he is bulletproof
• On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note which read, "Darren McFadden was here"
• A unicorn once kicked Darren McFadden. That is why unicorns no longer exist
• Darren McFadden used to beat the snot out of his shadow because it was following too closely. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him
• Darren McFadden does not read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants