I Never Thought I'd See the Day

There was a time when I would lament about how too many people hold the pastor personally responsible for attendance. After all, if the pastor is not a good preacher, how can the congregation expect to sit still for a mediocre sermon? How can we take ownership of what the pastor is saying if the pastor himself/herself does not seem to believe what is being said?

Now I find myself in an odd position. When it comes to worship, there can never be too much music for me. I love to sing and I love good singing, but I am not for drums and electric guitars or anything "funky" in church; it's just not my thing. I am something of a traditionalist, but I do also love many of the more contemporary so-called praise choruses.

After this comes the sermon. Now I'm having a problem. We visited a church this past Sunday where the preacher went on for FIFTY MINUTES! FIFTY MINUTES!! Yes, I timed him because Dan over at Common Saints has written many very good posts about the attitude of worship and what we expect, but he also has conducted polls to find out how long the typical church has music during its worship services. This is why I was timing the church where we were. Did I mention that the sermon was FIFTY MINUTES long??

The first 1/2 hour was entirely devoted to music which also included an exceptional solo. When the music was done and the offering collected, the pastor got up to preach. At the 30-minute mark he stated, "Can I talk to you for a minute?" ... OH ..... MY ...... GOSH!! What has he been doing for the last 30 minutes?? Then he continued to "talk" to us for another 20 minutes. What was worse is that he kept repeating himself.

Another church I've attended has what I believe to be an exceptional pastor with a good heart, but his preaching leaves me extremely thirsty. I've not timed him, but it honestly feels like an eternity because he has yet to really make a point and then DRIVE IT HOME. To be perfectly honest, I cannot tell if he is ill at ease or if he's completely bored with the whole thing. Either way, I am not convinced that he is completely convinced of what he was trying to convince me of. Now I don't want to go back.

Why am I seemingly on a never-ending quest for the perfect preacher? Why is my Sabbath focus on demanding that the pastor get my attention and keep it? Why is my worship not complete unless a pastor "wows" me? That my heart is not in the right frame when I show up at a church is a given. I miss preaching. I think I have control issues, but I also think that I cannot get settled because I have been called to preach.

I once thought that I lacked the genuine heart of a pastor, but now I wonder why I resigned my church. Preparing and preaching a 15 or 20 minute sermon was not so great deal that I couldn't do it. I was more afraid that if/when the time came when someone in my congregation would be in genuine need of a pastor, I would not be available. Or that I would not be completely at their disposal. Between secular work, school, children events and family time, I was afraid more than anything else that I would be forced to make a choice. I thought that my family, my congregation, and I deserved better.

Now I am miserable, and I cannot find my way. Even more than this, though, is the haunting thought that keeps crossing my mind: how can I lead worship if I cannot free myself to worship? There is an element missing, and I cannot put my finger on it.

I ...... feel ....... lost.