A Question of Salvation

As I was driving to work this morning, a thought crossed my mind that I could not readily answer given our differences between the doctrine of "once saved ..." vs the concept of free will enabling us to "walk away". The thought - actually, the question - that occurred to me was this: Can the Savior of the World save us from ourselves? This question is not designed to diminish His sovereignty. Rather, it is to help me to understand the thought processes behind the doctrines that have evolved since the time of Christ.

I just came home from an Ash Wednesday service in which the pastor reminded us that through this powerful thing that He has done, we should be able to walk confidently and without fear for we have been FORGIVEN. The pastor even mentioned specifically the sin of rejecting His grace that is so freely given. Indeed, I've preached in the past myself that refusing this enormous gift is not unlike spitting in the Hand that feeds us! However, it is not a matter of rejecting the gift; it is for me somehow a matter of declaring myself worthy.

Make no mistake. I have personally encountered the overwhelming presence of the Lord. Though I cannot put into words anything that could come close to describing it, I can say with confidence that these encounters have been more about a kick in the pants than a pat on the back. Maybe it is because I cannot so easily reflect on my past without feeling a profound sense of shame and guilt that keeps me at arm's length.

"I will forgive their iniquity and remember their sins NO MORE."

What an overwhelming promise! This is not like writing something on paper and then trying to use an eraser which will still leave a mark on the paper, and it is not like how we humans can forgive but not so easily forget, bless our hearts (the pastor's words). "I will ... remember their sins NO MORE." It means that He, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, will be as though it never happened. Incredible. Absolutely mind-boggling. And yet I cannot embrace it ... not because I do not believe it but because I am afraid to ask.

Am I hopeless? I cannot say this if I truly believe what I've preached in the past. For the life of the faithful there must always be hope, or He cannot be the God of our lives, of my life. Still I keep my distance as if I dare not approach perhaps for fear of being exposed for what I truly am: a sinner who is not worthy. This is why it is so difficult for me to declare for myself my own salvation. I don't reject it at all. In fact, I declare it for many who are so easily condemned by others. I have even found myself able to pray for child molesters! Those who make me want to wretch and who make me want to believe in torture as a legitimate law enforcement tool, and I have actually spoken prayers for these people. And yet in my own prayers, all I can do for myself is to say, "Have mercy on me, Lord".

I do not live in fear of the judgement. It will come soon enough, and there is nothing I can do or say to change it. I can only hope that His mercy is everything I've believed and preached.