Lately I've been more focused on my pastoral minstry as a licensed part-time local pastor simply because I have reached a critical point where I may have to make a decision to resign at least temporarily until I clear a little more off my plate. At one time I thought I could easily fit just one more thing into my schedule and still have some extra time left over, but it is not to be.
Just this afternoon, I finally had time to get up on my house and remove the Christmas lights. Once there, I also had time to clean out my gutters (although this move seems to be moot since the Lord has not seen fit to bless our fair state with rain lately). Once I had this done, I came down to finally get around to cleaning the leaves from my yard.
Since I took this Sunday off and am on a break from school (classes will resume 1/21), I actually found myself with time to do absolutely nothing I didn't feel like doing on a Saturday. And tomorrow my family and I will attend worship at another church other than the one I am appointed to. As I was wandering from one end of the house to the other, it suddenly occurred to me that this is precisely how it once was before I enrolled at school and entered into the ministry.
I had time to flirt with my wife and watch my children run in all directions. I had time to read a book just for the heck of it. I had time to help clean the kitchen (that's what flirting will get you!), and I had time to watch a movie on TV.
I admit that I feel a little guilty, but not for reasons otherwise considered. I feel a little guilty because I DON'T feel guilty. I felt like maybe I should have been doing something a little more constructive, or maybe I should have been working on next week's sermon. Perhaps I could pick up my school books and get a jump on the course work coming up.
When everything is hitting on all cylinders, I have felt guilty because I was holed up in my office working on a sermon or doing school work. Now that I had time to be available to my family, they were running in all directions living their lives and doing their Saturday stuff; they didn't seem to need me at all! I can't seem to catch a break.
I suppose there will always be times when I will not be in the right place at the right time. For middle-aged persons like me who suddenly wake up one day and realize there is more to this life than simply existing, it will always be a challenge to balance one thing against another. Career and family will always conflict at one point or another, and church will just be whatever I make of it, I suppose.
Until the day they bury me, what else am I going to do?
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